365 Days of Joy – Days 15 - 21

Becoming a parent often puts a strain on relationships, regardless of what they were like before. Part of the problem is that you're tired and have so much less time to spend with friends, family or your partner than you did before your little one enters the world. This often is isolating for new parents. Invites decrease and relationships dissolve. Although I really tried to maintain relationships when I became a parent, I did experience this loss. I was so disheartened at the time. Two and a half years on, I have realised that the right people are supporting my family and me. And I am now supporting the right people too.

A divide also can develop between those that have children and those that don’t. I understand why so many people who do not have children also feel isolated. When people have children, their conversations are centred upon them. When you don’t have any experience to relate too, it’s difficult to engage – well at least that’s how I felt. Beyond this, fertility hurdles, finances and relationships can all be defining factors as to whether it is possible for an individual to step into this next chapter.

Parents are consumed by their children because they change their lives dramatically and forever. One day you’re independent and then the next, everything revolves around them. From eating, to sleeping, your free time and your relationships. I look back at friends who had children before me and feel terrible that I just didn’t get it. The exhaustion and feeling touched out. It’s wild but I wouldn’t change a thing.

I think the answer might be that we all need to show empathy and kindness when coming into this life chapter. The biggest point here is that we’re all learning and growing, communication is key to cultivating relationships. As a mother of two, I know for me, it’s imperative to nurture my relationships outside of my family. When people have children, these relationships tend to be the first to go. I have always been conscious of this and actively keep in touch with friends.

My husband is also so important to me, and I know he misses us just as much as I do. Having children brought us so much closer but also changed our relationship. Our children come first, and our intimacy has taken a back seat. I hate this and really want to try this year to get closer to each other. Because at the end of the day, when our children grow up, it’ll just be us.

Here’s the week recap and everything I did to enjoy and nurture the relationships around me that give me joy.

Day 15 – Tell your partner how much you love them

After having children, husbands tend to be last in line when it comes to our affection. It’s not that I don’t love my husband, it’s just that when 6pm rolls around, and the children are crying and I am barely holding it together, the last thing I want is to be needed by anyone else. I don’t have the emotional, mental or physical capacity to give much more. I consider myself so lucky to have Aaron, but I don’t tell him enough. I get so caught up in the day to day and making sure the kids have everything they need that I forget about his needs. The simple things like touch, saying I love you and being close is so important. I know this, I guess I am just running off caffeine and exhaustion. Anyone else relate?

I saw a beautiful Instagram post by @lawofattractionlive that rang true for me:

We think we want sex.

It’s not always about sex.

It’s intimacy we want.

To be touched. Looked at.

Admired. Smiled at.

Laugh with someone. Feel safe.

Feel like someone’s really go you.

That’s what we crave.

While Aaron was at work and Leo was with his grandparents, I wrote an array of things that I love about him and things I wanted to say on post it notes and stuck them to the door of our walk-in wardrobe. I chose this spot because I wanted him to see them every morning when he got ready for work. I always think these things, but I forget to say them.

For the last week and a half, they have remained on that door, and I love that.

Day 16 – Digitally switch off

Leo is a robust kid who goes at a hundred miles an hour. But some days, it’s just not possible for me to run at that speed too. After having Lola, I need slow days, to catch up and reset. I also think it’s important for Leo not to be overstimulated.

I love the library because it gives us the opportunity to use our imagination and remove ourselves from the digital world. This quiet space lends itself to putting down our phones and really connecting with ourselves and our children.

On Thursday I chose to digitally switch off when we got settled. My bond with Leo gives me so much joy but sometimes I get lost in checking my phone or responding to something or someone. In this world, it’s difficult not to. Leo and I spent an hour of quality time reading and colouring. Without my phone in hand, I got lost in the moment. It was special.

Did you know that spending time with your child without your phone promotes better connections and less stress. I also find when my phone isn’t in my hand, Leo is better behaved.

What ways can you digitally switch off and connect with the ones you love?

Day 17 – Take your kids out

Taking kids out can be a challenge. It’s usually a mad rush, full of little limbs, a flurry of questions and being prepared for absolutely anything. Although it requires a lot of energy, I make it my mission to go out every day - it’s good for my kids and it’s good for me.

For mothers it’s so important to get outside. Being outdoors can improve our mood, strengthen family bonds and reduce stress.

Being outside promotes:

- Unstructured play, allowing you to play in new ways and make up activities 
- Improved communication
- Role modelling, you can show your kids the importance of enjoying the outdoors.
- Unplugging from devices.

Day 18 – Take a trip away

I love my children but that doesn’t mean I’m not entitled to sometimes put myself first.

By allowing myself a night away, I am setting a great example for my daughter for if and when she becomes a mum. It’s also important for Leo to see Aaron take over and share the load. Parenting should be equal, and it is in our home.

Taking time away recharges me physically, emotionally and mentally. I use these moments to nurture my friendships which I value so much. I don’t get this time often, so I really appreciate it when it comes around.

I return home full of positivity and joy. I can give so much more because I have given back to myself. Let’s normalise mums getting away and connecting with themselves. It’s healthy, positive and important for our wellbeing.

Day 19 – Less noise, more love

My biggest joy in life is being close to my children and watching their bond grow.

Om Sunday evening we snuggled on the couch. It was quiet, just the kids and me. As I pressed my nose into Leo’s golden curls, I looked down to see his tiny hand holding Lola’s. I wanted to cry because this little act made my heart ache with love.

Our peaceful moment together delivered the most beautiful gift. A love that is growing, a lifelong bond.

Take a moment to enjoy the slices of heaven that you’ve created. Amongst the chaos and noise, it’s easy to forget or not see what’s most important and lovely in the world.

Day 20 – Let the mess go

My relationship with keeping my house clean hasn’t always been healthy. But you can’t help who you are and what makes you feel good.

Having a messy, cluttered environment makes me feel stressed and stops me from concentrating.

When I clean and declutter, I get a massive dopamine hit. It boosts my mood, helps me move my body more, improves focus, and helps me feel more in control of my surroundings.

But sometimes, it is nice to just let it go and live in the moment. I can’t do it all the time but when I can, I’m enjoying what’s in front of me, without distraction. Joy is being present and being mindful.

This is your sign to just let things be. Leave the mess for a moment and enjoy what’s in front of you. Even if it is a little bit of chaos.

Day 21 – Remember how far you’ve come

There’s joy in making it out of the first three months, the newborn era.

While I have been much more relaxed this time around, the first three months was still not without challenges. The long witching hours, the painful feeds, watching my toddler adapt, the hormonal shifts and being so touched out. It was the highest of highs and sometimes the lowest of lows, but we got through it.

Some nights, we’d be passing Lola between us both, trying to settle her and hoping for reprieve. Last night I realised the struggle wasn’t so hard. We’ve had more good nights than bad ones. We are the lucky ones.

Coming out of the newborn months, I feel a sense of accomplishment. We made it. So, if you’re in the thick of it, just remember that this time will pass, and things will get easier. You’ll get glimmers of hope, so hang onto those. These are the hard years; they are the trenches but, in a way, they are also the best years of our lives.

Next week - Protein, protein and more protein

This coming week I am choosing to up my protein. With my race fast approaching and many nutrition goals in the works, I want to work on making sure my meals have adequate protein.

I will be sharing some recipes that particularly support brain power and will nourish you from the inside out. Stay tuned X