Mother, Partner, Friend, Colleague or Just Me?

It’s been a minute. Don’t worry though, I haven’t forgotten about you. I have been thinking about you and what to say. I have put this off because I had to wait, I wanted to be honest. The past few months have flown by and for many exciting and nauseating reasons which I will share in this blog.

I returned to work in January of this year, a decision I haven’t taken lightly. Following months of toing and froing, and an impending start date, I knew I had to make the decision.

Prior to having Leo, I was a career driven woman. I was keen to move up the ranks, applying myself to many roles and opportunities, and I enjoyed growing my skill base. Then came Leo and things changed. I wanted to stay at home and be there for him every day. The idea of leaving him was unbearable and I found myself overwhelmed with sadness. Because of this I chose to spend eighteen months at home.

Becoming a mum has been the most humbling experience. It grounds you and rocks you simultaneously. Life is never the same but also a lot hasn’t really changed. You see the same person in the mirror, but you feel nothing like the person that was. It’s an out of body experience and yet you feel more like yourself than you ever have.

The balancing act of mother, partner, friend, and colleague is challenging. If you put too many eggs into one basket, suddenly you aren’t giving enough to something else. Is working taking away from Leo? Does saying no to catching up with friends because I am spent mean those relationships will drift? Does my husband think I don’t care about him when I don’t feel like being touched at the end of the day? Am I too tired? Am I too angry? Am I too naggy? Am I enough?

As someone who thought they would be a stay-at-home mum, there are parts of me that crave managing communications activities, planning, writing strategies and being part of a team. While being a mother has taken priority, I can’t deny my career driven side and the buzz it gives me.

So, how would I manage it all? How would I make this work? For some reason, I felt the planning and preparation of this next adventure rested solely on my shoulders. My husband was keen for me to go back but I was doing all the leg work. I should have said something, but I didn’t. Why do we do this as mothers?

In the lead up to returning to work, I spoke to family about my concerns, and I have been so fortunate to have them support me and look after Leo while I am at work. I think going back and putting him into childcare would have been too much for me emotionally. I know its so hard for all parents. But I know myself and I know what I can handle.

No matter what direction your motherhood journey takes, whether it be a stay-at-home mum or member of the workforce or traveller or entrepreneur, I am sure you’ve experienced the unwanted opinions of people around you. People love to tell mothers what they should be doing. However, when you’re in the trenches, unsolicited advice is not only frustrating but overwhelming. Like it isn’t clear already that we have enough on our minds?

People questioned my decision to be at home for eighteen months, for not putting Leo into childcare and for taking active steps to look after my mental health, which has meant spending a night away with girlfriends and having boundaries with sleep. I want to be clear, that none of these people’s opinions mattered to me. My decisions have been solely my own. I own them and I wouldn’t change them. As women, we need to have confidence in what we do and stop caring about the opinions of others.

Now that I am back at work, I suddenly feel at ease. While the secret to managing it all is that you can’t… filling your cup up is the way to your happiness and being the best mother, partner, family member, friend, and colleague you can be. The more I realise this, the happier I am in myself and content with the route I have taken.

With the release of my past, I have recognised my power and made room for my potential. I have been happier, less stressed and have opened myself up to new adventures. One very important one being the welcoming of a baby girl in October of this year.

Our 13-week scan was last Monday, and we have a beautiful, heathy girl and I cannot wait for this next chapter. While the past three months have been nail biting, nauseating and challenging, I feel like I can take a breathe and start feeling excitement. Our miscarriage has changed how I view pregnancy and how fragile I feel. But I know with time, I will feel more at ease and enjoy the next six months as they unfold.

So, you are now up to speed. I will share my first thirteen weeks in my next post but in the meantime, if there’s something you want to hear more about, comment below.