Supporting Each Other When Tiredness is a Competition

I’ve never known tiredness like what I have experienced after having Leo. My beautiful son is an active one year old who brings me so much happiness, however my energy levels are regularly tested. My husband is tired too. He works in a high-pressured job, and when he gets home, he is straight into dad mode.  

When you are caught in depths of tiredness, emotions and tension are usually at an all-time high.  For us, we began playing the whose more exhausted game, and we’d find ourselves competing for the tiredness trophy.

I competed because deep down I wanted my husband to acknowledge my hard work and that I am doing a good job. Although my role isn’t paid, it can be full on and draining. Always switched on, touched out, navigating emotions and being the one-woman show. Parenthood can be an exhausting gig and regardless of what anyone says, sometimes you need a round of applause for your efforts.

Am I a little sour that he leaves the house alone each day and I don’t? Does it irritate me that he can go for coffee or lunch without worry or stress? When I looked closely at my emotions, I realised that I was harbouring a little resentment. I have chosen to be at home but that doesn’t mean that sometimes I don’t want the freedom that I had before, even if its through work.

It is evident to me that I don’t want to be anywhere else but at home right now. I love what I do, and I feel for the first time that this is something that comes naturally to me.  

My husband is a hands-on parent. For a guy who wasn’t 100 per cent certain about children, he really has surprised everyone. Well not me because I always knew that he was meant to be a dad. Aaron works hard to support our family. He always makes sure we are looked after. He gives us the world and asks for nothing in return. Well one thing, acknowledgement too.  

Society encourages competitive tiredness

Until writing this article, I had never heard of the term, competitive tiredness. Competitive tiredness is society’s way of measuring our worth according to how exhausted we are. We tell people about the number of tasks we’ve completed, how crazy our kids are, the number of naps skipped or how many unruly clients we had to deal with, with the hope that people will give recognition for our efforts. Being an adult can be a thankless job so we’re banking on tiredness.

Breaking the tired cycle

Through the ups and downs, frustration and pure joy of parenthood, my husband and I have always been able to speak openly and honestly with each other. Being heard and valued is incredibly important to sustaining a healthy relationship and amongst the chaos of parenting, we realised that we weren’t supporting each other’s needs.

After talking we decided that we wanted to break the tired cycle and more forward. Playing whose more tired does not serve our relationship and devalues our individual roles.

You can’t pour from an empty cup

Once we let go of the idea that tiredness is a measure of how hard we have worked, we went a little deeper. The idea of Aaron and I being equal contributors in our relationship has led to some of my tension. I’ve been caught up in the belief that relationships should be equal however they aren’t at all. Relationships are a balancing act or seesaw.

Each person brings something different to the table and we both sometimes aren’t 100 per cent. Acknowledging this has brought us closer together and now we are asking questions like, what do you need or how can I help if you aren’t feeling your best. For example, last night after Leo went down, we spoke about the things we’d each like to do this weekend and how we could meet those needs by supporting each other. I want to train for my run which means that Aaron will solo parent while I am out. He would like to play computer games so I will be giving him space to do so. By listening and meeting those needs, we both feel happier. It doesn’t always work out this way but through consistent communication, we are in a better position to enjoy our time together.

My challenge to you is to ditch competitive tiredness and accept that each person is tired. Ask each other what you need and acknowledge each other’s independent contribution to your relationship. Regardless of whether you have children, a solid relationship is one that works together.